Understanding consent: what it means and how to ask for it
Quick answer
Consent is a clear, willing agreement to take part in sexual activity, given freely by someone who is able to make that choice. It must be informed, apply to a specific activity, and can be withdrawn at any moment. Silence, pressure or a lack of resistance never count as consent.
Key points
- Consent has to be given freely, without pressure, threats or guilt.
- Agreeing to one thing, or saying yes in the past, does not mean agreeing to anything else.
- Anyone can change their mind at any time, and the other person must stop.
- A person who is asleep, unconscious, very drunk or high, or under the age of consent cannot give consent.
- Asking directly and checking in along the way is normal, respectful and expected.
What does consent actually mean?
Consent means that everyone involved actively and willingly agrees to what is happening. It is not just the absence of a no: it is a clear yes, shown in words or unmistakable behaviour, from a person who is free and able to choose.
A simple way to remember the key qualities is that consent should be freely given, informed, specific, reversible and ongoing. Each part matters on its own, and if any one of them is missing, there is no consent.
- Freely given: the choice is made without pressure, threats, manipulation or fear of what happens if the answer is no.
- Informed: the person knows what they are agreeing to, including things like whether a condom will be used.
- Specific: a yes to one activity is not a yes to another, and a yes yesterday is not a yes today.
- Reversible: anyone can stop or change their mind at any point, even part way through.
- Ongoing: consent is checked throughout, not assumed once at the start.
When can someone not give consent?
Some situations mean a person is not able to agree, whatever they say or do. If someone is asleep or unconscious, they cannot consent. If they are so affected by alcohol or drugs that they cannot understand what is happening or make a real choice, they cannot consent either.
Consent is also not valid if it is obtained through threats, force, blackmail, or by someone using a position of power, such as an employer, teacher or carer. Every country sets a legal age of consent, which varies from place to place; below that age, a person cannot legally agree to sexual activity, even if they say yes.
- The person is asleep, unconscious or drifting in and out of consciousness.
- They are too intoxicated to understand or make a clear decision.
- They have been pressured, threatened, tricked or made to feel they have no choice.
- They are under the legal age of consent where they live.
Is silence or not saying no the same as consent?
No. Silence, freezing, going quiet or not pushing someone away are not signs of agreement. Many people freeze when they feel frightened or overwhelmed, which is a normal stress response and not a choice to take part.
Being in a relationship, being married, having agreed before, flirting, the clothes someone wears or having accepted a drink also do not create consent. Each time, the person must want to take part and be free to say so.
How do you ask for consent and check in?
Asking does not have to be awkward. Simple, open questions work well, such as "Is this OK?", "Do you want to keep going?" or "Would you like to stop or slow down?". Listen to the answer and to body language: hesitation, pulling away or a quiet "I suppose" are signs to pause and check.
If someone says no, seems unsure or stops responding, stop and respect it without sulking, arguing or trying to persuade them. Respecting a no builds trust, and it makes it easier for both people to say what they do want.
- Ask before starting something new, not only at the beginning.
- Make it easy to say no, for example: "It is completely fine if you would rather not."
- Treat an unclear answer as a no until you have a clear yes.
What support is available after sexual assault?
If something happened without your consent, it is not your fault, whatever the circumstances. You can get medical care and support whether or not you decide to report it to the police, and you can take your time deciding.
Medical help in the first few days can matter. Emergency contraception works best when taken as soon as possible and some types can be used up to five days afterwards. Emergency HIV medicine (PEP) should be started as soon as possible and within 72 hours. Clinicians can also test for and prevent other infections, and in many places specialist services can collect forensic evidence and store it while you decide whether to report.
In the UK, Sexual Assault Referral Centres (SARCs) offer free, confidential care. In other countries, a hospital emergency department, sexual health clinic or national sexual assault helpline can explain your options.
When to get help
- Call your local emergency number (for example 999 in the UK, 911 in the US or 112 in India and the EU) if you are in danger or injured.
- Get medical help within 72 hours after a sexual assault to ask about PEP to prevent HIV, and as soon as possible for emergency contraception.
- Contact a sexual assault referral centre, hospital or sexual health clinic for care and testing, whether or not you choose to involve the police.
- Speak to a helpline or counsellor if you feel distressed, have flashbacks or find it hard to cope, even if the assault was a long time ago.
Frequently asked questions
Can you withdraw consent once things have started?
Yes. Anyone can change their mind at any point, including part way through. Once a person says stop, or makes it clear through their behaviour that they no longer want to continue, the other person must stop straight away. Continuing after consent has been withdrawn is not consensual.
Can someone consent if they have been drinking?
A person who has had a drink may still be able to make a clear choice. But someone who is so drunk or high that they cannot understand what is happening, are slurring, unsteady, being sick or falling asleep cannot give consent. If you are unsure whether someone is able to agree, the safe and respectful choice is to wait.
Does being in a relationship mean consent is given?
No. Being in a relationship or married never means a person has agreed to sexual activity in advance. Consent is needed every time, and partners can say no whenever they want. In many countries, including the UK and the US, sexual activity without consent within a relationship or marriage is a crime.